Two Shakes of a Lamb's Tail

Each year that passes by, I am one year closer. Closer to what you are asking, Closer to seeing my dad once again. March 26, 2003 was one of the grimmest days of my life, when we unexpectedly lost my dad, 11 years ago.

This year is significant, in February, my parents would have celebrated their 50th anniversary. They only made it to 39. Each year that passes, I find that I am more and more like my dad. I remember when he started aging, physically. At times, I feel like I am racing against the clock, although longevity is in my genes, my grandparents lived into their 90's, that is if I take after my mom's side. I also have come to realize that Dylan, our son has grown up without him and he is a distant memory and he will not attend Abby, our daughter's high school graduation next year.

I see his absence in my mom and how she misses his companionship and direction in simple decisions of life, although I am so proud of how far she has come. I see his absence in my brother's life, knowing that there are many times that he could use his counsel and guidance for direction. I feel his absence at times in the spiritual wisdom that he often gave to me in tough times.

Apart from his his physical and spiritual absence, he left a legacy, his character was so profound, you just aspired to be like him. At the time of his death, I felt that I was at a crossroads. I had ridden on his coat tails for the majority of my life. My kids often ask why I always think and talk about spiritual things. I decided that I could just live life, walking through the motions, or I could carry the torch that my dad had lit inside of me.

I can remember as clear as day, the night I did not sleep, trying to comprehend that my dad was no longer here, that I would pick up where he left off. My dad was intentional. He didn't care about the vehicles he drove or the clothes on his back or whether he was in perfect physical shape or that he would go down as one of the most famous pastors of all time. In the end, he lived in the middle of the desert, being manager and caretaker of a camp, for children who were underprivileged and would come to a camp to hear about the love of Jesus. In his last moments, he was feeding the animals of the petting zoo, alone, in pure peace and silence, probably singing songs of praise or spending time with our heavenly Father.

I have always hoped and prayed that I would become like my dad, "Jesus in the flesh to those who need love." As he aged, I saw him become more humble and more dependent on Jesus for small things in life. He was less concerned about his title or what job he would receive next, he just wanted to please the Lord in everything he said and did. I also saw him become more reflective about praying more and saying less. My father was far from perfect and I find myself in the same place, making so many mistakes, often wishing I didn't do or say the things I wish I wouldn't do. I think in maturity you start to take ownership for your past and present. So many people walk through life laying blame on others or make excuses for their shortcomings instead of owning up to the fact that at some point you grow up and have to take responsibility for your own actions. We choose for ourselves the course our lives will take. You can love God or not. You can forgive family and friends or not. You can live your life to help others or not. You can live at peace with all men or not. I think that is one of the most remarkable things about God. In His infinite love for us, He gave us freewill.

I find I have the same heart as my dad, wanting no one to perish without knowing the love of Jesus. I think he loved others a little more unconditionally than I do, but I am learning to forgive and extend mercy and grace to those who don't ask for it or deserve it.. Maybe he had a little more experience and I am still a work in progress. I guess the Lord won't bring me home until He has refined me to where I am fit for the kingdom.

The saying Two Shakes of a Lamb's tail talks about how things will happen in the indefinite future. I'm not sure how much longer it will be before I see my dad again, a day, month, year, 5, 10, 20, 30. But the saying is true, as you grow older, time passes more quickly. I often think that my dad is still watching and I hope I make him proud. I also think that he continues to intercede in prayer on my behalf that I will fulfill my purpose here on earth. I think Micah 6:8 says it all, "To act justly and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God." It is how my dad lived his days here on earth, and it is how I will continue to try to live intentionally here too!