Dad, Where are You?

Torn Between Two Homes
For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life...We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. II Corinthians 5:4-8


March 26, 2003, I lost one of the most influential people in my life. He was perfectly healthy and around 10:30a.m. dropped to the ground with no notice. I was eating lunch with my grandparents that day, I drove like a maniac for 45 minutes after dropping off my kids to make it before he passed so that I could say goodbye. When I walked into the hospital he was gone. I will never forget that day as long as I live! It seems like just yesterday, although 8 years have passed us by.

Dylan doesn't remember my dad, he was only a year and a half. I have never been the same since that day. Although I cry often, not all the time, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss him. There are occasions that make me sad more than others. I have never liked Thanksgiving since he's been gone, ironically the day that we should be most thankful and putting up the Christmas tree is always sad for me. I always called my dad or went to see him when I was sad. It wasn't that he always had something profound to say but I always felt comfort being in his presence. I always felt like he was my direct connection to God, that if he prayed for me, his prayers would carry a little more weight than mine. Since then, I've learned that He hears all of our prayers just the same and that sheer honesty with everything that we think and feel carries great weight in God's eyes.

There are days when I wish the Lord would just bring me home so I could see him again. But then I feel guilty knowing that my family still needs me here, although I think they would all be Ok without me. I have felt torn between leaving and staying. For years I felt guilty thinking that I was just escaping, but then a few months ago I came across this passage with a rather lengthy explanation. I was so relieved, actually I felt like jumping for joy.

Before my dad passed, I thought about eternity and heaven from time to time. I like it here on earth but then someone that I deeply treasured left me here and it changed my perspective forever! Don't get me wrong, he spent his time well while he was here and impacted many lives during his stay. I don't wish him back here, I know that he is having a great time in the presence of Jesus, who wouldn't want to walk on streets of gold, living in a mansion? I promised my dad that I would bring as many people with me as I could when it was my time and that I would run the race strong until the end.

The verse above says that God has created us with a void in our lives, somehow knowing that our stay here on earth is only temporary. We have a longing built in us for eternity, to live at home with the Lord. In Psalm 139 it says that God knows the number of days we will have here on this earth even before we are born. God knew on March 26 that He would bring my dad home, even though it was sudden and unexpected for us.

My dad will always be a part of me. So many things that he said to me over the years come back to memory. His unconditional love for me regardless of what I said or did will always be a part of who I am. One of the greatest gifts he ever gave to me was his never ending belief that one day I would do great things for the Kingdom. To have someone believe in you that much is a priceless treasure!

Many of my friends have lost a parent or spouse in the past few years. We often wonder where our loved ones are and what they are doing. We wish we could just give them a hug, pick up the phone and call them or just hear their voice once again. We long for eternity, not just to see our loved ones, but to be in the presence of Jesus. I am so thankful to know that it's Ok to be torn between the present and the future. I don't have to live in guilt, but in confidence knowing that is how He created me!