Monday, November 14, 2011

Hi Dear

It's what my sweet grandma would say to me as I walked into the room the last months of her life. She knew I some how belonged to her but she couldn't place my name or why I belonged to her because she had battled with Dementia for the past six years of her life. How blessed we were that it had been only four or five months when she didn't remember us by name. We would sit by her side going over photo albums with her of her family so she wouldn't forget us.

We watched her slowly slip away, her eyes became glazed over, her face drawn until she became bed ridden in her last few weeks, and then she was in a medicated coma. It has been almost two weeks now since she slowly slipped away. Her service was nice and everyone talked about memories that they had shared. I didn't speak, there were no words. I sat in silence, looking out over the desert thinking about how many times I had sat by her side and how much I would miss her.

Sometimes we didn't say much. She loved to do word searches. So do I. I would find all of the words that she couldn't find. I haven't talked really much about her until now. I learned when my father died that I can turn the emotions off and turn them back on at a later date.

I'm not sure which is worse, losing someone instantly without notice like my dad, or watching someone suffer slowly, grieving over them each day, every visit, with each last belabored breath slowly watching them fade away, until it is like they are there in body only and their spirit is already gone. Death is cruel either way you choose it. I'm not sure if is the process of death and all that it entails that is worse or people rehashing old grievances, splitting assets, and planning funerals. I think death tends to bring out the worst in families. Some people get hung up on things; who should get what. Frankly, all of that tends to make me cringe.

The worst part of death for me is the void that you feel from the relationship existing no more. If you know that person and you love them for who they are, you feel a separation. My grandparents have been with us for almost every holiday since 1994. My kids looked forward to having them over. How blessed my kids were to be raised with great grandparents watching them open their birthday presents and seeing their Easter baskets and watching them play with their Christmas presents. They heard grandpa's prayers before each meal and heard him read the Christmas Story many times before they opened their presents. They sat with GG grammy watching tv and playing Scrabble with her, it was her and my favorite game. I grew up playing games with her when we would go on vacations to the cabin in the Upper Penisula as a child. I helped her wash dishes after meals in her tiny kitchen in Michigan. I even lived with her one summer while I was in high school. We would sit on the porch in the summers and eat watermelon until the mosquitos would run us in the house.

My grandma wasn't a touchy feely kind of person, but she knew how to show me love. She always listened to me without judging me and never said an unkind word about anyone even when she was treated unfairly. She was one of three people who taught me what it is to love someone unconditionally! My life will never be the same now that she is gone, my grandpa's life will not be the same either. They were married 72 years and he is still here with us at 92. I pray that his days are numbered. It is so lonely for him to be here without her.

I'm really kind of envious that she reached the pearly gates first, although she paid her dues here at 91, she did all she could with us. She was a true Proverbs 31 women and she brought honor to my grandfather all of her days, she raised her children well; basically living her entire existence for her family. She spent her life here as a servant; cleaning, cooking, serving at funerals and church dinners, feeding strangers and those in the ministry. She truly had the gift of hospitality, all without complaint. I never heard her ask for more, bigger or better of anything. She was a true woman of contentment and thanksgiving for all that she had. In reflecting her life, I find that I can do so much better in so many areas of my life. Although she never had fame or fortune, she was truly simple in all that she was and all that she did. She exemplified Gods two greatest commandments: Love God and Love your neighbor as Yourself.

Grandma, please wait for me. I am looking forward to the day when you will meet me outside the gates and I hear your voice, "Hi Dear. I'm so glad you are home!"

2 comments:

  1. What a beautiful tribute to your Grandma. I am so privileged to call you my friend. Hugs to you, Shannon

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